A man breaks into your house, eats your cookies and drinks your milk (or beer if you live in Britain), and leaves a pile of junk on your floor. On any day of the year other than December 25th, you’d call the police. On this day, however, you awaken with glee and creep downstairs to see what gifts Santa Claus left you.
Whether you call this fat man in the red suit Santa Claus, Saint Nick, Father Christmas, Kris Kringle, Santy, Sinterklaas, De Sint, De Goedheiligman, De Goede Sint, Kleeschen, or Zinniklos… I’m sorry, what was I saying? I lost my train of thought amid this lengthy list of global monikers. Ah yes….
So no matter what you call this jovial, white-bearded fella, you know you get excited about his ginormous bag full of presents, hoping that he will deliver you your most desired gift. No, not world peace. More like earmuff headphones or a Drivemocion LED car sign with 16 different messages for the jackasses who keep tailgating you.
Clearly he can’t fit every single present into his bag at once. Instead, he stores some of the goods in a self-storage unit, returning lickety-split on his magical, reindeer-powered sleigh to refill his sack with goodies for yet another bunch of good boys and girls. He also uses this storage facility to stash some of his personal items that Mrs. Claus won’t let him keep in the house.
So what does Santa Claus have in his storage unit? Even though it got me a spot on his “naughty” list, I couldn’t help but pick the lock on his storage unit and take a peek. Here’s what I found:
Picture this: you’ve just whipped up a big salad or a bowl of spaghetti, and now you’re about to serve it to your guests. But there’s something missing… Oh yeah, a pair of microphone tongs. As the product description says, “Wow your audience as you transform from Julia Childs to Mick Jagger while cooking up some bacon.” You’ll be wowing your audience all right, but not for the reason you think.
There’s nothing worse than going outside for a smoke in below-zero temps. Yes you get the relief of filling your lungs with toxic fumes, but at what cost? By the time you’ve finished off a coffin nail, you’ve got a hand with five finger-cubes. That’s why you need Smoking Mittens. One review puts it very succinctly: “I used to look like such an idiot using gloves to keep my hands warm whenever I went out for a smoke. Those days are over, though, because I can now smoke in style with these dapper sons o bitches.”
“Turn your living room into a bar with the intoxicating aroma of a hundred beers.” The Beer Candle is perfect for those who want the barroom experience without the fisticuffs and ear-splitting music. The manufacturer suggests pairing a beer candle with a stripper candle and a whiskey candle for a bachelor party scent—all for the sweet price of $38.85.
Not to be confused with a European discotheque, this best-thing-since-sliced-bread item is a golf club that houses a urinary receptacle. Yes, you read that right. How many times have you been at the ninth hole and suddenly had to take a leak, but didn’t want to leave the course because you suspected your golf partner of cheating? The UroClub is “intended to eliminate anxiety and any feeling of uneasiness on the course. It can be emptied at the nearest restroom or later on, when the golfer returns home.” For the love of Christmas, just don’t forget it in the back seat of your car.
“Within minutes, Sauna Pants will make you sweat quickly in the areas where you need it most—abdomen, waist, back, and hips, helping you shed water and potentially lose weight.” I did not make that up. It’s straight from the product page. Ok, first of all, there is no area of the body that you “need” to sweat the most; second of all, where are the stats on people scalding their loins?; and third of all…how lazy do you have to be to shell out $39.95 for Sauna Pants in an effort to lose weight??
According to Santa’s website, he has thousands of elves working for him to ensure that all the good little kiddies get the gifts that they so carefully described in their letters. But as you can see on the site, many of the elves have been grounded at the North Pole. Officially, it’s because of inclement weather. Unofficially, we heard that these Yule Lads, Zwarte Piet, Knecht Ruprecht or Hoesecker (depending what country you live in) got a little too friendly with the spiked eggnog. That’s why Santa keeps emergency elves in secret storage facilities around the world—to make sure that nothing goes wrong on the big day (and that they stay out of the ‘nog…).
Barrels of Coal
Santa keeps his stash of coal in storage to prevent his snow-white North Pole home pristine. He used to store it at home, but Mrs. Claus was forever finding black, sooty fingerprints or footsteps around the house, and you know Santy ain’t cleaning up after himself.
Today we know Santa Claus as the merry, rosy-cheeked, red-suit-clad man who delivers gifts of cheer and the latest electronics to children. But back in the 1500s in England, when Henry VIII—the multi-marrying, Reformation-instigating, head-chopping-off king—was all the rage, Father Christmas was a wild party animal who wore green fur-lined robes and indulged in hearty meals with his miniature servant. A bit vain, he still keeps the full-length mirror in his self storage unit to admire his full form.
As a little Christmas bonus, you can check your naughty or nice rating at Santa’s Nice-o-Meter!