If you want to move to a place full of out-of-shape, sexually repressed people who don’t ski, smoke pot, or know what a sasquatch looks like, then by all means stay away from Colorado. But if this list of hobbies looks familiar, then you really ought to think about getting a job, for Pete’s sake.
The state of Colorado has mountains and plains, Colorado Springs and Aspen—but most importantly, the average commute here is one minute less than the national average. Read on to keep abreast of a few random facts you (don’t really) need to know before moving to Colorado:
- Bring lots of protection – and I don’t mean firearms or pointed sticks. I mean condoms. Denver is the 7th most sexually active city in the US.
- The unemployment rate in Colorado is 6% (the country’s average is 6.3%). They call this positive job growth. I call this a cure for insomnia. Still, some people may want to know this particular stat.
- The average commute time is 24 minutes, while the national average is 25 minutes. So, unless you’re living in Los Angeles or New York, this really doesn’t affect you.
- There are about 9 students per teacher in Colorado. I wonder if the .9 student gets a whole desk or if he has to share.
- On a scale from 1 to 100, Colorado’s property crime rate is 42 (the national average is 43.5). So be careful of those delinquent houses.
- The Tomato Battle is an annual food fight in which they go through 80,000 pounds of tomatoes in one battle. I don’t even know what to say.
- If you’re a ski bum, you’ll be right at home here. Ski season usually begins in November and lasts until the Fourth of July. That’s not a season, that’s a cry for help.
- South Park, the popular politically incorrect animated TV series, is not, in fact, set in South Park, CO. So there. The show takes place in a fictional town called South Park, which is based on Fairplay, CO, where creator Trey Parker did not grow up; he comes from Conifer, 40 miles east of Fairplay.
- Colorado has 235 breweries, ranking it third of all the states. Number one is California, with 431 breweries, and number two is Washington with 256. That’s why the ski season lasts so long: these drunken bastards have to be rescued from the slopes.
- Legalized recreational weed. Need I say more? Okay, I will. If you’re 21 and over, you have a constitutional right in Colorado to possess and consume marijuana. FYI—taxes from the sales of legal marijuana rang in at $70 million in one fiscal year. Holy smokes!
- Coloradans have the lowest obesity rate of any state—which is not surprising considering Colorado covers most of the Southern Rocky Mountains. No matter where you go, it’s uphill.
- There have been hundreds of Bigfoot sightings in Colorado. Case closed. Why would you want to move anywhere else?
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