You came back home from the slopes with a big smile on your face, a rosy glow to your cheeks, and the limp of a well-seasoned athlete after a long—but fun—day. At least, that’s the version you’ll tell your friends once you can take a step without crying. In reality, the smile is morphine-induced, the red cheeks are from hypothermia, and the limp is due to a piece of snowboard that’s still lodged between your—well, let’s just say you won’t be using that board again.
Thank God the snow season is over, because now you can finally stash the snowboard and gleefully chant “out of sight, out of mind” for the next six months. If you actually gave a hoot about that stick of death, you would probably take precautions to prepare and store it properly.
You don’t. So if you hate snowboarding, cold weather, those friends who told you this would be fun, the sports store that sold you this perilous plank, and the outdoors in general, then here’s how to store your snowboard if you don’t give a damn:
Leave the Snow and Salt On It
You’re supposed to wipe down your board at the end of the day so that the moisture doesn’t rust any metal edges and the salt doesn’t corrode the bindings. This may cause the board and bindings to malfunction. Hmm…and if this thing malfunctions then you can’t ride it next year. Sounds like the plan of someone who wants to live to see their next birthday.
Leave the Waxing for Your Legs
For long-term storage, you should coat the entire board with a thin layer of wax. Doing this seals the pores of the board and prevents it from drying out. It also ensures that the metal edges won’t rust. If the thought of hitting the powder next year fills you with the kind of dread normally reserved for dentist appointments, then skip this step and leave the waxing for your legs.
Leave it Out in the Sun or Rain
If you want to preserve your board from drying out, rusting or otherwise going to hell, go ahead and store it in a dry, cool environment like a closet or a climate-controlled storage unit. But remember, this means you will have no excuse for not hitting the slopes next winter. To get out of this dangerous sport without sounding like a ‘fraidy cat, stash the snowboard in your garage, basement or backyard. When you “discover” a totally ruined board, just play dumb. Dumb is better than massively injured.
Leave a Filing Cabinet On It
Experts will tell you to store your board flat or upright, just so long as there isn’t anything heavy on it or leaning against it because it will get bent out of shape. Clearly these “experts” have no idea how to get out of doing things you don’t want to do in a passive-aggressive way. A full filing cabinet will do the trick, as will a couch, an unused stationary bike or all 119 Frank Zappa albums.
If you’ve followed these tips properly, you can expect to enjoy next winter lounging by an open fire with a glass of spiked eggnog in hand and “Don’t Eat the Yellow Snow” playing in the background while all your friends fling themselves off mountains strapped to a flimsy stick.
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