It finally happened. You met the man of your dreams, fell madly in love, and now a whopping three months later you’re ready to move in with him. And if you’re to believe all those pop songs, romance novels, and romantic-comedy films, this process is going to be fun and problem-free! Yeah, right. Cue needle scratching on the record (or, for the modern generation, cue face-palming GIF of popular actor).
Moving in with your boyfriend is not simply one long date. There’s a lot to consider. Are you ready to say everything twice in order to be heard? Are you okay sharing a lease with his flaws? Are you aware that he will try to amaze you by farting the alphabet? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions you’re either a liar or in denial.
But if you insist on shacking up anyway, and there’s nothing we can say to convince you otherwise, at least read these tips for moving in with the man of your dreams to prevent him from becoming the man of your nightmares.
Pots and Pans and Cups, Oh My!
Your man will inevitably try to impress you by cooking you breakfast in bed (or rather, bringing breakfast to you in bed; if he’s well trained – and he’s not – he will do the cooking in the kitchen). But for some unknown reason, which scientists are investigating at this very moment, he will use every single utensil, dish, and pan. And then leave them all over the counter. You’ll have to decide which is more important: scrambled eggs or ant infestations.
Men Are Not Dogs—You Can’t Train Them
“Moving in with the man of your dreams isn’t a license to control or change him,” says Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D., Licensed Psychologist, relationship expert, and author of Now You Want Me, Now You Don’t! Fear of Intimacy: Ten Ways To Recognize Fear of Intimacy, And Ten Ways To Manage It In Your Relationship. “It’s a wonderful opportunity to acknowledge and love his humanness which includes his flaws. It’s a chance to find his rhythm, align it with yours and enjoy dancing to tunes that you create together.” So before you even hook up your iPod Docking Station, it’s probably best to make a list of chores so you’ll both know who does what and when without having to bark commands at him.
Single Guy Quirks
All single people, especially those who live alone, have their secret idiosyncrasies—i.e. bizarre mannerisms that would make even Nicki Minaj turn a bright shade of red if anyone were to observe her. For men, these behaviors include an obsession with losing their hair that rivals a woman’s obsession with looking fat, using deodorant as cologne, flexing in front of the mirror, and Saturday nights that involves tighty-whiteys, sports on tv, and a bucket of chicken. Good thing love is blind because you’ll have to turn a blind eye to these quirks to make a live-in situation work.
No, He Did NOT Ask You To Marry Him
Asking you to move in with him is not analogous to asking for your hand in marriage. Asking you to move in with him is not analogous to asking for your hand in marriage. Asking you to move in with him is not analogous to asking for your hand in marriage. Are you starting to get the picture here?
Toilets Are the New Reading Rooms
If the bathroom door is closed and you don’t hear anything for 20 minutes, do not call 911. It’s simply your man on the can. Women have mani-pedis, bubble baths, and aromatherapy candles to help them unwind after a long day. Men have Archie comics and defecation. Let it go.
Men Are Not Mind Readers
Contrary to popular (female-circulated) belief, men are not, in fact, imbued with a talent for telepathy. And no, he won’t magically acquire this skill that only one in a million are blessed with just because he loves you. Jessica Heimark, Director of Clinical Services at Pathways Therapeutic Services and couples expert, reminds women of this: “I will ask the ‘mind reader’ of a relationship to tell me what color I’m thinking of. It typically gets them to understand the absurdity of expecting their partner to read their mind on the much more complex issues about which they are not communicating with their partner.” So if you want something, ask. If you don’t want something, tell. And if he still doesn’t know what you want? He’s a moron and you’re better off without him.
Put Your Name In Everything
I know, I know, it’s not considered romantic to plan for an inevitable breakup, but unless you live in Neverland with Tinker Bell there’s a good chance that you will not wind up with this person for the rest of your life. Write your name in felt marker on everything that belongs to you. Including your football jersey, your self-respect, and your junk.
If You Like It, Then You Shoulda Put a Lock On It
Don’t assume that your boyfriend is going to get rid of all his stuff because your stuff is better. Between you and me, it probably is, but there’s a little word called “compromise” that will help extend the shelf-life of your relationship. As Nekisha Michelle Kee, MSW, relationship coach and TV Personality, says, “Making room for only your things or rearranging his will feel like a hostile takeover to him, so do it subtly, with class, and with permission.” So he’ll put some of his stuff in storage, and you’ll put some of your stuff in storage, and over the years you’ll both empty out that self-storage unit on the sly. You’ll both be none the wiser, though you may become hoarders.
Your Place, His Place, or a New Place?
Some people feel that if you’re starting a new life together, you ought to start a new lease together. If you or your boyfriend has a super fantastic apartment, it’s natural to think that the other will just move in to that place. You should know, however, that whoever is the mover-inner is the one who has to get rid of most of his/her stuff. That’s just physics.
No Need To Man-Proof the Space
Don’t worry about man-proofing your home once you’re living together. Believe it or not, men know all about tampons and air-drying your delicates and face cream and ten thousand bottles of god knows what in the shower. The reason they pretend they don’t is so that you’ll never send them out to the store to make those purchases. Nobody needs that kind of pressure.
Here’s the Good News!
Just in case you thought that there was absolutely no benefit to moving in with the man of your dreams, here’s the good news: you will never have to flush a spider down the toilet yourself again. But wait, that’s not all! You’ll also have your own personal handyman, IT director, and landlord confronter. And it gets better. There will always be a strong shoulder to cry on, a warm, cuddly body to fall asleep and wake up next to, a built-in companion for those lazy Sunday mornings, and someone to go on the lam with in case you accidentally burn the place down.
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