Self-storage units are handy when you need to stash your belongings while you’re on the road, in the midst of a move, downsizing from house to hovel, or because you’re an undiagnosed hoarder. They’re also convenient for storing skeletons when your closet fills up.
Billionaire Donald Trump is an American business tycoon, investor, and real estate mogul, as well as host of the reality TV show The Apprentice/Celebrity Apprentice. More recently, he has proclaimed his presidential candidacy for 2016 as well as a tendency to play in his own “triumphant, idiotic symphony.” As the old saying goes, the more you have to lose, the more you have to hide.
So based on what we know of him, here’s what you would likely find in Donald Trump’s storage unit:
Several Illegal Immigrants
In Trump’s presidential campaign kickoff speech he called Mexican illegal immigrants criminals, rapists, and drug dealers. Considering that he has made at least twelve other equally insulting remarks about immigrants in the last year, methinks the lady doth protest too much. Open the door to his storage unit and I’m betting you’ll see a small crowd of illegal immigrants he’s been collecting like rare coins in the hopes of making a profit once he realizes how much they’re actually worth.
A Box of Recalled Toupee Glue
After having spent thousands of dollars on “hair system attachment” glue to keep his rug on and wildly failing, as any photo of him in the wind will attest, the only place to stash his box of shame is in his own self-storage unit.
Eliminated Contestants From Celebrity Apprentice
Vivica A. Fox, Marilu Henner, Stephen Baldwin, Andrew Dice Clay, Gary Busey, and Clay Aiken were all contestants on Celebrity Apprentice who were fired by The Donald. If it strikes you as suspicious that we haven’t seen them since, that’s probably because he’s stored them in his climate-controlled storage unit. Were he to let them go free after having been terminated, they might actually speak up about their treatment on the show and rain on his “festival of narcissism.”
Discount Table Filled With the Board Game “Trump: The Game”
Back in the late ‘80s, Milton Bradley released Trump: The Game, a board game similar to Monopoly in which the players buy and sell real estate in an attempt to “trump” each other in business deals. The game was a wild failure and did not sell the 2 million units he had expected. What did The Trumpster do with all those unsold games that had his face on the cover of the box? You guessed it: stashed them along with his other “what were you thinking?” ideas in his storage unit.
Bathtub Full of Cash
The Federal election regulators just released an official document of Trump’s wealth and financial holdings which show that he is worth over $1.4 billion. With all that money, you just know that he has safeguarded a cool million or two in the event of an emergency. Stashing the cash in his storage unit was the first step; filling a bathtub full of crisp Benjamins so that he can frolic in it from time to time for a personalized Trump Spa was the last.
“Doonbeg Golf Club” Sign
In 2014 Trump purchased the Doonbeg Golf Club in Ireland and renamed it Trump International Golf Links. What did he do with the old sign? Kept it as a souvenir, of course. In the event of a tax audit gone wrong, he can always pull out the sign and glue it back on the golf course in an effort to pretend he doesn’t actually own half the world’s assets.
Jerry Bruckheimer’s Emmy Award
Donald Trump has been nominated twice for an Emmy Award (The Apprentice, 2004 & 2005), but “got screwed out of an Emmy” when The Amazing Race won instead. To prove that he was not, in fact, a sore loser, he stated: “Everybody thought I was gonna win it. In fact, when they announced the winner, I stood up before the winner was announced. And I started walking for the Emmy. And then they announced the most boring show on television, ‘The Amazing Race.’ Piece of crap.” We’re pretty sure that if you dig around Trump’s self storage unit, you’ll find producer Jerry Bruckheimer’s Emmy statue with ‘The Donald FTW!’ scribbled on it in felt marker.
A Life-Sized Replica of the Oval Office
In optimistic anticipation of his future job as President of the United States, Trump keeps a life-sized replica of the Oval Office in his storage unit where he plays make-believe. Not only does he feel he has a chance at being the next U.S. prez, but referencing himself in the third person proves that he is as divorced from reality as his expectations for “Trump the Game” were.
Donald Trump’s interview with Bill O’Reilly on The O’Reilly Factor:
O’REILLY: Now, who do you like so far in the Republican sweepstakes? You’re not in there yet?
TRUMP: I think Donald Trump. I think Donald Trump is the best by far.
O’REILLY: You are not in there.
TRUMP: No. I haven’t announced. I haven’t done that yet, no. I feel very strongly about a guy named Donald Trump.
A Life-Sized Replica of Donald Trump
You expected the birth certificate?
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