Few people would argue that one of the best experiences in the world is snuggling up in a cozy, comfy bed with a poofy duvet, soft pillows, and firm mattress. Throw in George Clooney and this might just be the Eighth Wonder of the World.
If you disagree with this assessment of the world’s most spectacular wonders, chances are you’re sleeping on a crappy bed. This might be because you’re still snoozing on the same mattress since childhood, as a result of too much “wear and tear” during your single days (wink wink, nudge nudge), or the mattress has been warped due to improper storage.
If it’s the first reason: stop being a Scrooge and splurge on a new mattress already. If it’s the second reason: quit bragging. But if it’s the third reason: have a seat because we need to talk.
In a traditional love story, boy meets girl, boy acts like knucklehead and loses girl, boy learns lesson by dressing up as a woman/magically being able to hear women’s thoughts/becoming a pirate and kidnapping woman, boy finally gets girl back.
In a mattress storage bag love story, boy meets mattress, boy acts like a knucklehead and damages mattress, boy learns lesson by reading awesome self-storage blog post, boy finally gets good night’s sleep.
Think this is a stretch? I’ll tell you what is a stretch: a saggy, stained, dust-coated, stink-infused mattress that you call a bed. You have to love your mattress as much as you love the activities you do on it. Since you spend a third of your life in bed (or more if you’re depressed, work in the “escort” business, or are a product tester for the furniture industry), it benefits you to take care of this asset.
When transporting and storing your bed, always use a mattress storage bag or other plastic cover. This will prevent water, dust, soil, grease, ice cream, red wine, tears, and mold from damaging it—as well as bird droppings if you’re silly enough to strap it to the roof of your car. Buy one that is the appropriate size—twin, full, queen or king—and remember that you’ll need an extra one to cover the box spring.
And speaking of bird droppings (how often does that phrase come up?), don’t tie your mattress to the top of your little Hyundai Accent unless you’re a certified stunt driver who knows how to maneuver a car that rolls over. Transport it in a moving van or truck and lay it flat if possible. When putting it into storage, you should also store it flat, on a pallet, with nothing on top of it. Yes, we know that this takes up much more room, but remember: in all successful love stories, the protagonist treats the object of his love with respect, adoration, and proper storage techniques.
And that’s how to ensure a happy ending with your sleeping apparatus and nurture an ongoing relationship that will outlast most marriages these days.
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