There’s nothing worse than meeting a guy (or a girl), going through the natural sequence of events from casual coffee date to dolled-up dinner date, deciding that you really like him, and then…seeing his apartment. Yikes! Did he forget to clean up after the last earthquake?
While you can’t change another person (believe me, if you could then all my friends would be George Clooney), you can certainly steer them in the right direction. One way to do that is to call in an anonymous tip to the police directing them to your ex’s trailer. But a less witness-protection-programmy way is to simply download these apps onto their phone when they’re not looking. Come to think of it, the police may be knocking on your door if you do that….
In any case, here are 6 apps that will help you declutter and organize your life—or the life of someone you would like to date when certain health-code criteria are met:
This app will help you keep your house organized. It offers you customized tips based on “your home’s unique traits” (a kind way of saying “disaster areas”), schedules tasks for you, provides easy-to-follow instructions, and reminds you when you’ve forgotten to do something. The one fatal flaw of this app is that it doesn’t springboard your lazy ass off the couch. No amount of fancy scheduling will work if you don’t actually do the tasks. Which leads to…
A virtual personal assistant! This app auto-generates reminders to prevent you from missing important meetings, bill payments, and lawsuit court dates. It combines your social media apps and even sends happy birthday messages to your friends on Facebook for you. Although, considering how English-as-a-Fifteenth-Language autocorrect is these days, your friends may receive messages that say “Gave Ann absinthe bursary” instead of “Have an awesome birthday.” Plus, it doesn’t actually pick up your socks for you.
pplkpr (pronounced ‘People Keeper’)
Maybe a better solution than sending your thousands of social media buddies automatic birthday greetings is to get rid of some of those “friends.” This handy app determines whether your friendships are good or bad for you by evaluating your emotional state after an interaction with someone. It will even send text messages to those people it considers toxic and delete them from your address book. Yes, but can it stop you from sleeping with a jerk just because he tells you that you have a bootylicious app?
Now that you have less friends, acquaintances, family members, and dating prospects as a result of using pplkpr, you need to get yourself out there and meet new people to de-friend! And you’re never going to meet your twenty-ninth soulmate if you continue to dress in your sweats and ball cap. This app organizes your closet by categorizing your clothes by color, style, pattern, how fat it makes you look, or how “SO last millennium” it is. Stylitics allows you to take the thought out of getting dressed. Because we need more people in this world who don’t think.
For those of you who pretend to be a professional by hanging out on the loftier LinkedIn social network, CardMunch is an app that lets you take a picture of a business card and store it on your phone as a contact and then connect you and this “business person” on LinkedIn. Handy for staying in touch with your dealer, old cell mates, parole officer, and anger management coach.
You want to talk about organization? When you’re out and about and Nature calls, you don’t have time to figure out where the nearest bathroom is. This app includes more than 70,000 public-accessible restrooms. Not to be confused with the Crapp App, which, and I quote, “lets you save the dirtiest details about whatever blasts out of your butt.” There’s nothing more to say about this. Or humanity.
And as a bonus, here is one more app—possibly the best one ever invented, and I sincerely hope the creator has retired on his or her riches from all the downloads:
The Most Useless App Ever
This app is exactly what the name says: the most useless app ever. Seriously, it doesn’t do anything. God bless America.
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