There’s nothing like dumping your half-finished project on a coworker’s desk while yelling “In yer face, Johnson!” and then racing out the door at 5 p.m. sharp because your vacay has just started. Your flight to Metropolis, Illinois leaves at seven the next morning and you’re as giddy as a kid on Christmas. This is the Official Home of Superman, after all.
Lest your excitement at the prospect of meeting your hero carry you away, you may want to read over this unhandy guide about how not to pack when going on vacation.
Pack Your Suitcase the Morning Of
It’s been scientifically proven that if you perform a task with a clear mind and a calm constitution, you’re much more apt to do it right. Therefore, it’s advisable to pack your suitcase the morning of your trip, or as close to the departure time as possible. This way the cloud of chaos you create will ensure that you leave behind the most useful items, such as your deodorant, passport, and cape.
Carry Too Much Baggage
The number of bags you take with you should be directly proportionate to the length of your stay, so for a one-week vacation, you’ll need seven suitcases. Two of which are for your knee-high red boots, utility belt, and foam-padded muscle suit alone. Carrying too much baggage will allow you hold up lines, miss flights, lose belongings, annoy airport and hotel staff, take out your frustration on innocent people, and generally weigh you down on your journey. Both literally and emotionally.
Bring All Your Valuables
When traveling anywhere, always bring your most valuable treasures, like your grandmother’s priceless porcelain dolls, rare Canadian coin collection, or 1952 Mickey Mouse rookie card. Once you arrive at your destination, open your suitcase’s cheap combination lock and then leave it in your doorless wicker bungalow when you go out. When you return from your feats-of-strength drinking binge to find that your valuables have been stolen, intimidate the chamber maid with your x-ray vision.
Sneak In Your Illicit Drugs
What’s a vacation without a little robotripping on CCC? If you’re going to fully enjoy the annual Superman Celebration, which includes psychokinetic magic, a BMX bike demonstration, and the K-9 Crew Trick Dog show, you’re going to need all the hallucinogens you can get to help you figure out how any of this has to do with your favorite superhero. As a bonus, transporting a suitcase full of Scooby snacks may actually get you a longer vacation on the exotic Island of Alcatraz instead.
Hoarding expert Randy Frost may be able to give you tips on how to pack efficiently when traveling, but it takes a real genius to impart such practical advice as how not to pack when going on vacation.
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