420 Tips For Proper Marijuana Storage

Prescription for medical marijuana from family practice clinic

We’ve all had this scenario play out in our lives at some time: a friend comes to you seeking advice on something that has been tearing him up inside and he’s absolutely sure that you’re just the right person to help him. Looking over both shoulders, he leans in and whispers with a dry mouth, “What is the best method for successful marijuana storage?”

Why he would think that you are the right person to help him with his doobie dilemma is beyond you. It’s not against the law to laugh out of context, be mesmerized by your computer’s screensaver, or toss Bar-B-Q Fritos into your mouth all day. At the look on your face, he quickly reminds you that it’s legal to possess up to eight ounces of medical marijuana and six usable plants in California and he’s thinking of renting a self-storage unit to keep his “merchandise” safe and sound.

You respond that self-storage facilities are not appropriate for stashing food, plants or any other organic substances—which includes wacky tabaccy. And anyhow, why would he need an entire storage unit for eight ounces? Because he’s desperate and your coworkers are all staring at the two of you suspiciously, you decide that helping him out quickly is the best way to get rid of him. You’ve got a date with a Dairy Queen blizzard and your lunch break ain’t going to take itself.

Here’s what your “friend” needs to know about proper marijuana storage:

Think Like An Ice Cream Sandwich and Avoid the Heat

Heat will dry out cannabis leaves faster than you can say Acapulco Gold. On the other hand, don’t go storing it in the freezer next to the frozen waffles and Vitalicious Blueberry Muffin Tops because extreme cold is also damaging to the plant’s trichomes. (These are the THC-producing resin glands that make the fresh stuff kind of sticky and once they dry out you might as well be smoking twigs. Which, let’s face it, you probably have at some point in your psychotropic drug-friendly life.)

With cold and heat out of the picture, the only option left is room temperature. Effective storage for your Alice B. Toklas is thus on your bookshelf next to the collection of dessert cookbooks and Gertrude Stein memoir.

Think Like A Fish and Avoid the Air

Air is good for tires, balloons, and oxygen consumption. Air is not good for your Green Goddess. It dries it out and makes it less potent and then it’s just you sitting on the couch surrounded by chip crumbs watching Seinfeld reruns with a dry mouth and lungful of smoke. You definitely need the natural hallucinogen to make this situation fun.

Rather than store it in a crumpled Ziploc baggie—clearly your only spliff storage guidance has come from Cheech and Chong movies—you should store it in an air-tight container such as a mason jar. Minus the raspberry preserves, of course. Also, plastic bags carry a static charge that can draw precious trichomes from the medicinal Mary Jane. (You don’t learn that in school.)

Think Like A Vampire and Avoid the Light

Vampires and photo developers are not the only ones for whom light is harmful. To the Hawaiian homegrown hay, these photons are as detrimental as a wreath of garlic is to Count Dracula—not to mention your social life. To prevent the cannabinoids from breaking down and losing potency, keep your BC bud in a dark place. Like your childhood.

Just as you finish summing up for your friend that the best place for suitable marijuana storage is anywhere that is dark, room temperature, and air tight, your coworkers gather around you to ask if you’re okay. Apparently, you’ve been having this conversation with an Oreo Cookie Blizzard.

Selena Templeton

Selena Templeton is a writer and editor who sees the world through Giggle Glass, a type of wearable technology with an optical head-mounted display plus false nose and mustache. It reveals the absurd, amusing, and inappropriate goings on of daily life and displays it in a lap top-like hands-on format, from which she posts to various blogs such as Self Storage Finders, Romantically Challenged, and SelenaTempleton.com. As a former professional organizer and a current Virgo, she is a self-diagnosed authority on storage, packing, organizing, and general neat freakishness.

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